dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Randomize
