I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
