I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
