dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
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