dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
