So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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