im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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