if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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