I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
