During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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