im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Randomize
