I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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