Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
