a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
