Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Randomize
