i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Four minutes until I can fart!
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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