she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Randomize
