Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
