my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
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