Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
