Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
