Will you blow on my dice?
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Randomize
