I only kidnapped one of them. chill
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
