The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
