We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
