i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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