I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
