It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
