I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
