You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
