The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
You were trust falling into bushes
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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