I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
