She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
i need some magic done to my vagina
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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