I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
