so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
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