at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
