the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Can you bring me the toilet please
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
