my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
