Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
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