i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
