Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. �Hello 29...
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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