So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Couch. On fire.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
