I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
