dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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