i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I haven't been this sober since birth.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
