I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
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