I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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