i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
