I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Floor bacon is actually really good
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Randomize
