Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
