My room smells like vodka and shame
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Randomize
