Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
I think i peed on brittanys purse
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
You may now shotgun with the bride
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
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