i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
false alarm. still invincible.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Randomize
